Panic Attacks

This is very late but today started off the same as it always does; pain.

But physical pain isn’t new and not the issue but technically is an issue, it’s just an issue I’m used to.

My mental health pain isn’t new either but it’s just the burst of anxiety I get as a result of my trauma with flashbacks and nightmares.

I know I’m not supposed to stay away from trauma triggers and avoid them but I just can’t.

I can’t find myself ever being able to read or watch or hear anything that reminds of my trauma without having a panic attack even though it’s been a while since the trauma happened.

But the trauma was repeated everyday for so long over and over again that it became normal for me at the time and I numbed myself to it in a way.

There are times I wonder what could have happened to me if I didn’t handle it the way I did, if I didn’t become someone else in order to have physical safety.

If I didn’t numb myself to everything I saw and experienced; it didn’t feel real and part of it still doesn’t feel real though I know it was.

I usually don’t get this upset but I find myself wanting to cry over it.

I won’t.

I can’t.

I feel like I can’t be the same person I was before this trauma.

I can’t adjust to normalcy, I don’t know how to and I don’t know how to explain that to other people.

I don’t know how to explain they’re not the reason I don’t like physical touch, that it’s not something they did.

Today was just rough for me mentally for some reason though I’m not sure why.

But on a more positive note,
My win for today is that I ate a meal.

#MentalHealth #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain

Fear! This stupid fear of everything. I hate it. It comes and goes but lasts longer than I would like. I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel like I can't be a good mom
I can't even make it to a Doctor's appointment today. I've been kicked out of so many practices for being a no show
Society is such that I can't just call and be like um I'm sorry I'm having major anxiety today and driving there will ensure a panic attack so I need to reschedule. I'm a terrible liar so I'm forced to tell the truth because of my anxiety. So I just stay silent. I stay home. And then the embarrassment and frustration turns to depression. I'm SO sick of living like this.
I keep trying and trying. As a single parent I have no choice. But with Medicaid insurance I have no help. I know that in a few days these feelings will pass. I just want to have some semblance of a regular life. Like the one I kinda had. Before all the bad stuff happened that my brain loves to hold on to weather I want to or not. Am I making any sense? Probably not. I sound like a victim. I sound like a negative drama queen. Something....idk. I feel hopeless.